This Halloween, my child is an Angel

No tricks, no treats this year
to brighten up her smile
No searches for tiny costumes
down crowded clothing aisles

We won't show up knocking
on our neighbor's door
Or join the goblins and ghouls
collecting candy store-to-store

I did not get to choose
what my child would be this year
For you see, she's gone to heaven
and the future seems so unclear.

But I imagine she has a tiny halo
floating right above her head
And I swear she's watching over us,
and this is what she said:

"I may not get to join you
on this chilly Halloween night,
But I'm a tiny Angel now
and I'm never out of sight.

You can see me in the changing leaves
that fall from up above,
And when the wind whistles by your ear,
I'm whispering my love."

Surgery is off... F my life

So my Dr apparently had his retina detach. Who does this ever happen to, you ask? Only MY Dr 3 days before my surgery. Obviously, he can't SEE to do it, so no surgery for me til Nov 18th now.

It's also too late in my cycle to try any meds (Clomid or Femara), so I'm just out 2 cycles.

I know this shouldn't seem like SUCH a setback... but after waiting so long and going through so much, I just feel like it's not meant to be sometimes. I guess I'll just mope through November now til my new surgery date. ARGH

Getting nervous about surgery

My surgery (hysteroscopy/polypectomy) is coming up this Friday. Since I've been through back surgery (breaking my back, screwing in 2 rods and taking out a rib), the actual surgery part doesn't really scare me that much. What I'm mostly scared of is being in a hospital. Ever since I watched my sweet Sophi pass away in the ER, I get panic attacks just thinking about hospitals.

Hopefully this will be what I need to help me get pregnant again, so it should be very worth it in the end. I am a little sad about having surgery on the day before Halloween as well. Our office always dresses up for a theme... which this year is Superheroes/Batman. At least being out of it should help to keep me from thinking about what I was doing last yr... trick or treating with Sophia in her adorable costume.

I'll update everyone on how the surgery goes Friday night. Blake's mom is coming up to help "take care" of me, so I should be nice and spoiled lol.

My candle for Sophia

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Today, October 15th, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

A year ago today, I would never have known how close this cause would be to my heart. A year ago, I was planning Sophia's first Halloween (as a kangaroo, thanks to her costume from Abby and Carly). I was looking forward to first words, first steps, but never a funeral or gravestone.

Not only do I have a direct link to this cause, but through my loss, I've met so many other amazing ladies who've also gone through miscarriages, stillbirths, or losing a child. These ladies have helped me in ways I cannot even express. I truly don't think I'd be here today without all of them.

So to commemorate today and to spread awareness about this cause, please light a candle at 7:00pm tonight and think of all the little angels that left our world too soon.

***The video is my favorite video I have to remember Sophia by... so in honor of today, I thought I'd share.