Saturday, September 12, 2009

Waiting by Dr Suess

The Waiting Place…
…for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.
Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.
That’s not for you!
Somehow you’ll escape
all that waiting and staying…

Friday, September 4, 2009

Happy Birthday Sophia

Well, a yr ago today, Sophia Elaine came into the world at 8lbs 2.5 oz. She had beautiful blue eyes and dark brown hair.

She was perfect.

Since I was in labor since the day before, I spent most of the day recuperating and staring at our sweet little miracle. She seemed just too good to be true, and perhaps in the end she was.

Fast forward to 2009. Today we spent the day first going to the RE's office (reproductive endocrinologist) where I had an ultrasound and got a HCG shot to make me ovulate. Then we spent some time taking a few things out to Sophia's grave. We got her a pink Birthday Princess hat, a "1" candle, a little monkey rattle, and a monchhichi doll (my sister called me a monchhichi when I was a baby b/c I had baby fuzz all over me, and so did Sophi so she inherited the nickname). Blake's sister left her a sweet poem and beautiful flowers. Gavin, Sophia's boyfriend and first love, left her a poem (written by his parents since he's only almost a yr old) and a red rose.

Then we designed and ordered her gravestone. It will be pink granite with her name and dates on the front and a picture of her in the middle. The front has butterflies in the corners and we had them add a shooting star to the top. Sophia was conceived on Christmas day, and I saw my first shooting start that night and wished for a baby. The back has one small butterfly and a quote... "An Angel in the Book of Life wrote down our baby's birth, then whispered as she closed the book~ Too beautiful for earth".

When we got home, I was surprised to find a dozen lavender roses (the exact kind we had at our wedding) in a beautiful box with a card "A rose for every month you've had your baby girl in your hearts" from my friend since high school, Kristen.

Happy 1st Birthday to my sweet baby girl. You are loved and missed every second of every day.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Biopsy results

Well, you may or may not know that I've been going to a fertility specialist Dr in hopes of getting pregnant again. I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). This means that I make lots of little immature follicles instead of one large one with an egg each month. On my own, I would ovulate every 3-6 months... making trying to conceive pretty challenging.

This is my 4th month on Clomid (a drug that blocks your Estrogen receptors in your brain, making it believe it needs to make more of the hormones that cause ovulation). No, this does not mean I'll be the next octomom. Women on clomid only have an increased chance of twins, but I only produce one egg per cycle even on Clomid.

Since I've been ovulating on Clomid, but haven't gotten pg obviously... my Dr did a biopsy last week. What he found is that I have Polyps inside my uterus. This doesn't make it impossible to get pg (I probably had them when I was pg with Sophia), but it makes it very difficult for the egg to implant in the uterine wall. This means even if an egg fertilized, it would probably not be able to attach itself to the lining and I would lose it without ever knowing.

What this all means is that I need surgery to remove these polyps. The nurse will be calling today to set up my surgery... probably for 2-3 weeks from now. The surgery doesn't scare me that much, after going through scoliosis surgery when I was 13... and having my back broken, a rib taken out, and rods and screws put in my back. I'm mostly just annoyed at finding another way my body is screwed up. I keep thinking what a miracle (more than we even realized) it was when I got pregnant with Sophia. Sometimes I think maybe she was my only chance at a biological child.

Speaking of Sophia, her should-be 1st Birthday is coming up on Sept 4th, this Friday. I hope everyone that knew her either in life or about her afterwards, will be thinking of her that day. I hope she is happy wherever she is, and knows how very much she is loved and missed every second of every day.